January 2, 2013 for me in a nutshell

Today was a decent day, as days go. I woke and, to my pleasure, was able to destroy my legs with my close friend who was back in town from Michigan Law for the break. Did some deep, deep squats. The highlight was a set with 25 reps.

This was followed by a trip to the local sushi buffet. Training was fasted, so everything was amplified in taste and ostensible nutritional value. A feast for sure.

So after this ordeal, I ended up seeing some really old friends from high school.  Honestly, it served as a reminder more than anything else. I was reminded of my failures. I was reminded that I had done everything in my capacity to change what I found unworthy in myself, and I was still deemed unworthy in every capacity. The friends I had met were not. There were content and pleased to pursuing those same dreams I had. No one barred their search for knowledge. They were happy to party and delude themselves into thinking that their ambitions were for greatness.

I mentioned to my lifting friend as I drove him home that these were the sort of self-satisfied people that I have tried so desperately not to emulate – they are the sort of person I used to be. I think these people don’t see past the façade of society, however that that could be an unfair generalization and is not the main point I am making here. These are the people who go to school for the exact reasons of prestige and money. They have some beautiful end-goal plastered to the inside of their heads and they are desperate to achieve these goals for what I personally think are the wrong reasons. Don’t get me wrong. These people are needed in society. For the most part, I think most medical schools are populated by these sorts of people, and these people go on to live that dream of wealth and responsibility. They serve the society and are perfectly happy being part of a sprawling, expensive service industry.  But from what I’ve seen, these people are not pushing the limits of human knowledge. They are doing an exquisite job of maintaining things. There is no thirst for novelty and sharp ideas; there is a thirst for pride, money, and respect: for a maintenance of things.

I know my ordeals have sharpened my focus and made me stronger. I see past the immediacy of things.  But I have the right reasons for going into medicine and research.  I crave that burden of responsibility that comes with being a physician, being responsible for the life of another and using my knowledge and experience to alleviate its problems. Above ALL, I am focused on pushing both myself and what I am presented with to the limits.

I have this thirst and hope to retain it for my entire existence; never quenched. Below, I’ve posted an abbreviated comic [source] that really serves to remind me what drives me at times. I know I waver between things, but hopefully my actions speak to my true motivations.

 

Wolves

Fulfillment

I don’t feel fulfilled in any regard of my life. I feel like I have progressive small successes that have still resulted in what feels like no real progress. I am full of fear and regret. I am scared of becoming the person I once was, and I know it’s really as simple as choosing not to be that person, but the onslaught of rejection and lack of progress take away from the simplicity of that choice. I want to be full of vivacity, candor, and life. I think the real world that I’ve become accustomed to is unhappy with these characteristics in a person.

I live in suburbia and am frightened by the fact that I am growing older and wasting my life and time with no consequence or meaning or happiness.

My friends are all in other places doing better and more fulfilling things. And I know I shouldn’t judge myself against others but I can use their lives as a standard of “what could have been.” It’s soul-crushing because I feel like I am fully capable of taking on any challenge. I have the capacity to do anything, but I need some reassurance in myself through the validation of others, specifically those I have paid to judge my merits.